I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
