Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I've blown a few things in my day
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
