So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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