Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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