Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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