There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
