maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
