Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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