first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
