WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
please come you make the beer taste better
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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