I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
