All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
