By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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