I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
