hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
