apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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