Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
