My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize