What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
