It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
