dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
