The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
