now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
