you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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