i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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