I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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