They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Randomize
