So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
