toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
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