I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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