Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
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