I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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