if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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