I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
