I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
