I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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