Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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