Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
