Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
