Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
