his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
