Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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