Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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