Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
