I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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