I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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