Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
it's like iHOP with fire
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
