you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
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