I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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