I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
