I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
