I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
