We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
