apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
