Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
