I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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