Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I forget how to act sober
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
