im drinking this country out of the recession.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
