i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
