im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
