so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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