Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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