Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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