I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
All I want is dick and wine.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
