dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
